I have often wondered!! Why did it happen?

I’ve been debating for several months now on whether I would share something so deeply personal, but I’m doing so not only to help others with their loss but also as therapy for me. This seems ironic, but I actually have a hard time speaking about my feelings. Teaching and even speaking to massive crowds is a breeze, but when it comes to sharing about how I feel, I simply clam up. So, writing out my thoughts is my way of therapy I guess. Please don’t think I’m writing this for sympathy (my mom always said if I wanted sympathy, to look it up in the dictionary)HA! But I truly want to help others who may have lost a loved one recently as well. Not that this will take away the pain or loss, but simply make you realize that you’re not alone in your grief. My Dad has been gone a year today, and I still think of him every single day. He has been on my mind an awful lot recently. Dealing with loss is such a personal and ever-changing aspect to life. You see, exactly 1 year ago today I lost the closest person in my life- my dad. (I’m very close to my mom too- she’s one of my best friends) My dad and I have always been extremely close. Even before I was fully delivered. My mom said I had him wrapped around my finger ever since. I’m not even sure why, but I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. We just understood each other like no one else, probably because we were so much alike. Both hard working, creative, slightly opinionated, and very stubborn. Every where my daddy would go so would I. You see I was always with him even sometimes went to work with him. My dad was the smartest person I know. He was a jack of all trades and could make, build, paint, or fix just about anything. The day that he passed, I think my mom already knew he was gone but didn't want to tell me. I just knew it was going to be his last day I could hear it in her voice. I thought I would be strong enough to see him go, but I just couldn’t bring myself to see him like that. I have many regrets for that, but I didn’t want to remember that moment. I wanted to remember all the good memories with my dad. My mom stayed by his side while I gave him a kiss, told him how much I loved him, and said my goodbye. I drove around town aimlessly in a foggy daze, crying, and secretly hoping this was just a nightmare. When my mom called, she said “Laura Lee were taking your daddy to the hospital and all I could hear was the sirens coming from the ambulance she said we are going to St. Edwards Skylar and I just sat down to watch a movie at the movies and I remember grabbing her up trying not to scare her. Skylar and I were there when the ambulance pulled up as they were getting my dad out of the back all I could think of is God please don't take my daddy away.” This will sounds crazy, but as I drove to the hospital, a sudden gust of wind and leaves blew straight towards me and passed behind the truck. It was otherwise a calm day. I truly believe it was my dad giving me one last hug and kiss as the angels carried him away. There’s not a single day that I don’t think about my dad and miss him like crazy. I still pick up the phone to call him and tell him all about my day. If I could give up every item I own, every penny in my bank account, and every level of “status” or whatever else is connected to my name, I would. I would give it all up just to spend one full day with my dad, because I just miss him that much. My dad was someone that always made my day better. When I came home from school after a really long day seeing, my dad would always make my day. He would always tell me how pretty, smart, or talented his daughter was. I’m not sure how I would have made it through my teen years without such a loving dad. He always made people laugh with his corny jokes and would give us kids the biggest bear hugs. I kept praying for a miracle, hoping that the dad I once knew would come back- even for just 1 day. The dad that would talk endlessly for hours, drink his coffee while watching cheezy John Wayne movies, and crack himself up with his corny jokes. I don’t know who loved that time more- my dad or I. Dear Dad, I miss you so incredibly much, and wish you were here to see everything I’ve been doing. I’m hoping you are proud of your daughter, as you definitely were an influence on her life. I know you’re still with me as I feel your presence, but it’s just not the same here anymore without you. Mom misses you too, and so does Jennifer and all of her kids and mine and David and Greg miss you so much as well. Things are just not the same with out you but we try to be strong for each other as I know that’s what you would have wanted. I still hold all your pictures close to my heart and look at them often daddy I will never forget all the good time we shared. Oh and Don’t worry dad, the business is doing pretty good and I remember all your advice. I love you with all my heart… xoxo, Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things in the world and people want to know how to deal with it. It’s strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but haven’t heard much from them about what it’s been like. When my grandparents died, I knew it was hard for my father. He had a very strong connection to both of them. He’d talk about them and tell us his childhood memories of them. But I never saw him cry or exhibit pain over their loss. I assumed that because they were elderly when they died, losing them was just a part of growing older and that people had it in them to deal with that. Two of my best friends lost parents as well. They both seemed very strong in dealing with it. I never heard anything from them about the difficulties they faced dealing with the loss. Again, the impression I got was that it was a normal phase of life that we go through and we’re built to deal with it. I’m learning it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn’t matter what culture you come from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this So does it get any easier a year later? Not really. Not for me. I had a couple of good months where I felt the pain was easing. Most significantly, I stopped thinking of my father as often as the dead man lying on the hospital bed all covered in white. That phase was one of the most difficult. Perhaps one or two months after his death I started getting the more normal images of my father when I thought of him: my father lying on his bed in his bedroom telling me stories, my father sitting in his favorite lazy-boy chair watching TV, my father telling one of his jokes and laughing his great belly laugh. Although the weeping hadn’t stopped, it became less frequent and less intense. It never gets better. Life never reverts to ‘normal’. Your normal just becomes different. My normal now is tempered by late night cries and moments of lingering grief and pure helplessness. You were so brave, Dad. You are such an inspiration to me. I love you with all my heart, I miss you with all my being, and you are in my thoughts every single day, especially today. Rest in Peace, dad. The hardest times for me are on his birthday in September, his birthday is 7 days after mine and my daughters birthday is 7 days after his and this weekend in May, Memorial Day. He is on my mind constantly. I still think of picking up the phone and calling him sometimes. Does that ever go away? I still cry every single time I think of the little things such as Rodeo's Showdo's or even when I see his company truck he use to drive everyday that now someone else is driving when I see it I always honk and wave and the guy probably thinks who is this person always waving at me. You can’t change the course of life though, and you can’t change the past. I’ve learned so much by being by my dad’s side as he passed away. I’ve learned to appreciate my family, and really everyone, more frequently and more sincerely. Life is fleeting and occasionally unfair; I want to show my appreciation and feel my appreciation for loved ones as much as I can. I don’t want to waste my time on the small stuff. I’ve learned that those irritating little quirks that we all have will eventually make for fond reminiscing. Think about a quality your partner or parent has that you may not like. Realize it’s part of what makes them who they are and you may just miss it when it’s gone. I missed everything about my Dad when he was gone—even, and especially, his stubbornness. I’ve learned that when I’m caught in an unexpected rain storm and I get soaked and my toes are wet and my mascara’s running down my face that it’s okay because I am so incredibly lucky to be able to be outside and feel the rain as it hits my body. One day I won’t be able to feel the rain on my face or have wet toes; I want to soak up every moment of it until then. I’ve learned to appreciate the here and the now. We don’t know where life takes us and when our personal journey is over. So we better make the most of what we have. I’ve learned that grief is heartbreaking and terrible and lonely and confusing, but it subsides. It never goes away completely, it’s a part of us forever, but it’s like a scar. Some days you notice it and it is so strong and throbbing and you can’t think of anything else. And some days, it’s just there, part of you, and part of what makes you who are you. My dad taught me so many things, in life and in death, and though I miss him, every day, I am thankful for the gifts he gave me. So, today, in honor of my dad, I’m going to reach out to those I love. I’m going to make sure they know just how important they are to me. I challenge you to do this with me. Take some time today to write a letter, by hand, to someone you love. Tell them how much they mean to you. Make sure they really get it. You can write to your kids. Yes, you probably do a good job of saying and showing your love to them all the time, but think about what it would mean to them to have that letter years from now? That they could reread it and see just what you were thinking about them when they were 12 or 15 or 19 or whatever age they are right now? How much would it mean to you if you had a letter like that from your own mom or dad? You can write to your husband. He’s a man and, therefore; may not be able to verbalize how much it means to him, (smile) but I am willing to bet that if you really write a sincere love letter (When’s the last time that you have done that? Have you ever?) to him, he will cherish it forever. You can write to a parent. We don’t ever want to think about losing our parents, but it happens.And often those relationships can be the most difficult to show your love. Whether your relationship with your mom and dad is openly affectionate or not, they will love to read how much much they mean to you. You can write to a sister, a friend, anyone whom you love and appreciate having in your life right now.