HANNAH TAGGED ME IN THIS IT IS SO VERY SAD!! :(
Copeland Lee Flurry 4lbs. 8 oz. 18.5 inches
Mommy and Daddy's Little Man
On Monday June 28th at 11:13 PM I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy. What was suppose to be the happiest day of my life turned out to be the most heart breaking experience I've ever had to deal with. Earlier that day I went to the doctor for my 39 week check up. When you go they measure your belly and listen to the heart beat and when you that far along they will check your cervix. Well my doctor (Dr. Householder) was out of town so I was seeing Dr. Scow. I went into the exam room and waited on him to get there, I was so excited because I was hoping since I had been having contractions all weekend they would schedule an induction. Well he came in we cracked a few jokes and he measured my belly. Everything was fine until he couldn't find a heartbeat. He asked me where Dr. Householder normally found it and I pointed. Nothing. So he said "OK lets go see if we can find it with the ultrasound." My mom and I went into the ultrasound room and I saw my little man on the screen and I saw the heart but it wasn't pulsating like it normally would. I saw Dr. Scow drop his head and I asked him "is his heart not beating" and he said "No sweetheart its not." My mom burst into tears and I just layed there in complete shock. I couldn't move I couldn't cry I could not even register what was going on. My mom called Terrell and my dad and everyone else while the doctor waited outside. I immediately got sick to my stomach and all I could do is listen as Dr. Scow give me my options. He told me I had to deliver and I could have a C-Section or I could deliver vaginally, he recommended since I had already gone through enough pain that a C-Section wouldn't be worth it, but if I wanted to deliver they would give me all the pain medications and spinal blocks I wanted to ease the pain. He told me I could go home and take some time to think about it or if I wanted he could schedule an induction for that day. After sitting in the parking lot outside the Women's Group for almost 3 hours crying with my family, we decided it would be best to just go ahead and do it that day. I checked in to Sparks Labor and Delivery at noon where the started me on pitosin and checked my cervix. I was 90% thinned out and I was only dilated 1cm which was a change from the last time I was there because 2 weeks prior I was barely thinned out and I was at 2 cm. So the nurses came in and out of the room turning up my pitosin drip and monitoring my contractions which weren't that bad on the screen but trust me I could definitely feel them. They told me that once delivered we would maybe have a clearer reason on why Copeland had passed away. They said at 39 weeks its not common thing that they see everyday and that most moms who lose their babies are 24 weeks or before. They told me it was most likely a cord accident where the cord had wrapped around him or it could be a genetics thing they would just have to wait and see when he came out. At 4 PM I was still only a one so they cranked up the pitosin every 10 minutes and brought in the Doctor to break my water and put in the internal monitors for the contractions. Once they put those in my little contractions that showed up like mole hills on the screen turned into mountains(until you get internals in you wear a strap around your belly that is very inaccurate). So now they tell me that I could have some pain medicine until it was time for the epidural. I told them I wasn't in that much pain and Dr. Scow said I could have 50, 75, or 100 CC of local drugs and I chose the 50 cause I really wasn't in all that much pain. So they gave me 50 CC's of demurral and I was OUT! Unfortunately the medicine made me really sleepy and super cranky and I was kicking my family out of my room left and right and yelling at them for making noises when it was all in my head. I decided earlier in my pregnancy that I did not want an epidural because I am deathly afraid of needles so when the nurses kept asking me if I wanted one I gave up my rights to get one because I wanted to have him naturally and actually feel the experience of childbirth. The last time they checked me which was at 10:30 I was 4 cm and in just a short 30 some odd minutes later I was 10 and ready to push. My dad ran and got the rest of the family while Amber got Terrell(who was in the waiting room cause I kicked him out) and they stood by while in 3 pushes Copeland arrived. I had no idea what was going on and I had actually fallen asleep while I was pushing. I'm not going to lie it was painful but I thought the pain of delivering naturally was going to be a lot worse than it really was. I prayed all day for a miracle that everyone was wrong and that when he arrived I was going to hear him cry and see his little body move, but there was nothing. He was absolutely beautiful to say the least. He was perfect in every way, he had my nose and my cheeks and my ears(thank goodness) and my long flat feet. Dr. Scow said by the way he looked he had not been passed for more than a day, and he would be surprised if it was 2, but I know it wasn't 2 days because I felt him moving Sunday night. Anyway they gave him a bath and treated him as though he hadn't passed at all. Everyone held him and we cried and talked about how perfect he was. I held him last and I didn't want to let go. He was my son and I couldn't believe he was gone. I sat there and just held him and looked at him and prayed to myself that at any moment he would start crying or he would open his eyes. I knew that it wasn't going to happen and the time came where they had to take him away. I kissed him on the forehead and I told him I loved him as I handed him away to the nurse. I felt like I was giving him up for adoption because that was the last time I was ever going to see him. If I could go back I would hold him until they had to rip him out of my arms because no time is ever enough time. The doctors had told me throughout my pregnancy that everything was fine and that his heartbeat was always strong and just 2 weeks earlier at my appointment they told me Copeland was going to be and 8 or 9 pound baby if I made it all the way to the end of my pregnancy. Well they were wrong. Copeland was 18.5 inches and weighed 4lbs. 8oz. that is a far cry from an 8 or 9 lb baby. Now he would have weighed a little more had he been alive but not near close to what they said. And as for how and why he passed away that remains a mystery until Wednesday when I go to the doctor for my check up and get the pathology reports back. There was no genetic disorder or cord wrapped around his neck, there was not one physical sign of why he passed away. The placenta and umbilical cord were sent off for testing cause that is the only thing left that could have caused his passing. As for me, now, I stay up all night long laying in bed, I can't sleep cause I keep waiting for him to kick like he always did when I was trying to go to bed. I should be heating up bottles and changing diapers and not getting sleep because he won't quit crying. Instead I am not getting enough sleep because I stay up praying for one more minute with him, or for answers to why this happened to me and what I could have done different. I guess God has a plan for everyone and there is a reason things happen, it's just going to take a while before I can understand it all. So that is my story. We had a funeral for him on Thursday and I couldn't have asked for a better goodbye for my little man. He is in heaven now and although he can't come back to me I can always go to him...someday. I thank everyone a million times over for their thoughts and prayers for my family and myself and Terrell. We couldn't make it through this pain with out everyone's support and love. Copeland, Mommy and Daddy love you very much and there is not a day that goes by that I don't snuggle up to your blanket and talk to you and tell you how your my everything as I look at your picture that I keep next to me. You are God's angel now and I will see you soon OK bubby! LOVE YOU!
This is his song. We played it at his funeral and I would like to share it with everyone cause until he passed I had never heard it until his Daddy played it for me one night.
Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirates sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Chorus:
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pyjamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And I love you
Chorus:
Godspeed. little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet Dreams
God bless mommy and matchbox cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Chorus:
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
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